“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.”
2 Corinthians 4:5-10
Moving Forward from miscarriage hasn’t been easy. I wanted to take some time & share about my experience & bring hope & comfort to women who have gone through this or a similar experience. I guess we should start from the beginning.. it was early March just as the COVID-19 outbreak was becoming an increasing concern. I was so excited to see our third baby for the first time. My husband and two children (Ella 5, Monroe 1.5) were with me for the appointment but I was taken back for the sonogram alone. I could tell almost immediately that something wasn’t right. Usually the ultrasound technician swivels the screen to show you your baby as soon as they detect a heart beat. I could tell that she was puzzled by whatever it was on the monitor she was looking at. I asked if everything was okay? She quickly responded that she needed to take a further look and consult a doctor before she could give me a clear answer. In that moment I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to be the picture perfect day I imagined. My heart started racing and my palms began to sweat. My mind jumped from thought to thought and I found myself trying to fight back tears.
Is this really happening to me? God I thought you were preparing my heart for another child? Was I wrong? I’m not sure what’s going on but I hate this feeling. I want to be anywhere but here. How is this for my good? I can’t trust my body. The one thing I’ve given as a sacrifice to God & for my other children is betraying me. I know my body better than most. I workout, I eat healthy & I feel pregnant. How could I not know this was happening? A sense of deep shame and despair came over me. I couldn’t shake it. Then after what felt like an eternity the ultrasound tech allowed me to see the screen. There is was a sac with nothing inside. I had so many questions. But they weren’t answered that day. They sent me home because the ultrasound was reading 5 weeks and the doctors didn’t feel comfortable giving me a miscarriage diagnosis so early on.
6 days went by before my next appointment. I struggled to hold onto hope. The doctors we’re 75% sure this was a miscarriage at my last appointment. I went in with an anxious and heavy heart. The 2nd ultrasound revealed that the initial diagnosis was correct. My doctor gently and graciously delivered the news. He assured me that this was not my fault & that this happens more often than it should. He explained that 10-15% of pregnancies that are reported end in miscarriage. 1 in 8 women you know have likely experienced a miscarriage. I never thought it would be me. He explained that my miscarriage was known as anembryonic pregnancy— the fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall and the pregnancy sac develops but the embryo itself does not. Although my body continued to rage with pregnancy hormones the baby never developed. It’s a confusing experience. Deep down the fear that my body could no longer be trusted grew.
They gave me several options. I could allow the miscarriage to take place naturally (which could take up to 4 weeks). I could take a medication to help my body do what it was inevitably going to do or I could schedule a DNC. I chose to take the medication because I didn’t want to continue to feel pregnant anymore. The hormones, acne & morning sickness were all painful reminders of our loss. I wanted this to be over as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, the first round of medication didn’t work & I had to go in for another ultrasound & 2nd round of meds. It felt like this pain was never going to end. I couldn’t feel the presence of God. Instead I felt anger & grief. What good purpose did this serve?
I cannot tell you other than that in my pain and suffering I would need to depend on God like never before. While my rational mind struggled to find the good, in my heart I knew that anything that made me rely heavily on the Lord was for my good. I also knew that I was not the only one who experienced this pain & that somehow God would use this brokenness in me to weave a beautiful story of redemption & hope.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:8-9
I experienced what felt like a never ending cycle of depression, shame & heartache for months. Followed by moments of anger & fear. I knew it wouldn’t last forever but how could I move forward? The first step was identifying the lies I was believing about myself & about God. I knew if I could confess my sin & identity the thoughts behind my fears I would have clarity on how to move forward. What happened to me was bad but God is good. I confess I was tempted to believe that God was punishing me because I wasn’t pleasing to him. I was trying to control everything because I couldn’t accept that what happened to me was out of my control. The reality is we live in a fallen world where death, sickness & pain are unavoidable since sin entered.
Living our life for Christ doesn’t mean we will be exempt from hardships but instead that our hardships are light & momentary in comparison to the eternity that awaits us (2 Corinthians 4:17). The truth is I should not be ashamed of what happened to me. It was out of my control. It was painful & overwhelming. But when I let God in & allowed him to fill my brokenness (by replacing the lies with his truth, leaning on friends sharing my story). I experienced healing & transformation. Not over night but in his perfect timing.
I’m sharing this because I don’t want any other women who experiences miscarriage to feel alone. I don’t want them to build up walls of thorns and thistles because they are holding on too tightly to pain & suffering. I want them to know that God sees their pain & he cares for them. “I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul,”Psalm 31:7. I want them to know that their pain & anger is natural & real. But most of all I want them to know that it isn’t for nothing. God is the author of my story. He held my hand through the valley & death has no power over me. One day when I meet my creator I will fully understand why this happened. Until then I want you to know that he is my healer & my hope. He is the giver of hope & life on earth & in heaven. He has turned my brokenness into a beautiful story of redemption for his glory & I will share it boldly without shame. The enemy has no power here. My life is with Christ.
If you are going through this or are in pain of any kind, please know that I am here for you. Don’t hesitate to reach out. I would love to help however I can. To listen & to share resources that have helped me. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org