“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8
I’ve been feeling a little defeated and overwhelmed lately. After returning home from a long and demanding trip to South Carolina. I thought I could jump right back into a normal routine. I thrive on routine and structure so it made sense to get back to it. We flew back on Sunday and on Monday I woke up early dropped Ella off at school, went to CrossFit & coached my fitness freedom class. Boy, by the end of the day I was exhausted. I think my suitcase sat in the floor for the rest of that week and part of the following. I felt too stressed to unpack right away. Everyday that suitcase drove me crazy.
I’m very type A. I like things to be organized and neat. As I’m sure you all know with young kids and a busy schedule that’s not often our reality. The rest of that week I kept telling myself to suck it up and do the do. Shortly after we came home my husband left for the field for a few days. Once again it was just me and the girls against the world. By the end of the week everything hit me hard. My body ached, I was struggling to adjust to the dry climate and altitude & I could barley stay awake past 6:30pm. Exhaustion has set in. My body couldn’t keep up with my mind and all the daily tasks I desired to accomplish. I felt stuck and frustrated with myself and my circumstances.
I fought to feel normal and stay the course. After a weekend of rest I thought I was ready to begin again. Monday-Wednesday I worked out everyday and pushed off the fatigue. By Thursday I hit a wall & again found myself in poor shape. Friday I woke up feeling under the weather and had to cancel Fitness Freedom. I managed to get Ella to school and came home and crashed. Monroe enjoyed a full day of Mickey Mouse Club House while I struggled to care for myself. Eventually we decided it was best I get a test for COVID-19 just to be safe. Thankfully, my results were negative but I had a pretty bad head cold. I’m not used to being sick. Pregnancy definitely made it difficult to recover. Almost a week and a half later and I still have lingering symptoms. This was my limit. I felt angry with myself. I felt frustrated that I couldn’t preform my daily duties as a wife, mother and fitness coach to my fullest potential.
I kept apologizing to my husband for our untidy home the and the fact that I hadn’t cooked dinner in almost 2 weeks. He even had to wash his own laundry. He reassured me that he had it under control and his main concern was that O rest and get well. He was Superman and really stepped it up with our girls. I’m thankful he loves me so well. Still, I had a lot emotions to process and work through. The joy I had been working so hard to find seemingly escaped me. Instead of excitement for challenge and growth I felt dread for my never ending list of responsibilities. I just didn’t recognize this person with no desire to workout or zeal for life.
This pregnancy has certainly been challenging. I have a lot more responsibility than I did with the girls and my body just didn’t respond the same carrying a boy. It feels like I’m stuck in the first trimester. By 3pm everyday I don’t want to get off the couch. It’s been an adjustment to say the least. I know I have a long list of complaints but I find this is a safe place to share freely and begin to unravel my pent up frustrations with life. I promise I’m getting to a more positive outlook.
Today when I woke up again with my nose and throat on fire I could feel the anger welling up inside. When is this going to be over? When am I going to feel like myself? Can we just fast forward to February so I can get back to normal. Out of routine I reached for my bible. I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart. I happened to open to a devotional about anger. It was written by a woman with small children who’s husband worked long hours. She shared about her struggle to find joy in her mundane circumstances. I could totally relate. She referenced Philippians 4:8 a scripture I’ve been ready over the last month as part of a book I’m reading “40 days to a joy filled life”.
One profound statement that I’ve herd more than once really struck me. Your circumstances may never change. Or they may not change overnight. WOW! That’s so true. I have two very young girls who demand a lot of patients & attention. I hope to be pregnant at least 10 more weeks & with a move & the holidays quickly approaching the speed of life isn’t slowing down. I had to come to terms with my circumstances. I have to find a way to embrace my temporary limitations during pregnancy. I needed to take a step back from some of my responsibilities. I had to stop being so hard on myself & accept the daily grace God had lavished upon me. I hope to be able to find and focus on the good everyday instead of allowing the negative to consume me. I needed a mindset shift. But let’s keep it real, that’s not going to happen overnight either. It’s going to take hard work and effort. It’s going to be a moment by moment choice to surrender what I can’t control & pray nonstop about the things I can.
The first step of change is acknowledging that it’s needed. It requires a humble attitude & commitment. Today I definitely made strides towards an attitude adjustment. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it and pray that God will transform our hearts and minds with His limitless power. I’m not sure what circumstances you face or find yourself in but I do know that our joy & happiness in life was never meant to be impacted by them. Our hope in joy should be found in Jesus. When the worries of this world are overwhelming or seemingly inescapable we can find rest & peace in Him alone. As we approach the holidays I hope we can all keep our eyes on Jesus. I hope the business & buying doesn’t consume us. I hope we rest & reflect on God’s goodness & the hope that awaits all believers. If you need prayer or someone to talk to feel free to reach out. As always if you need help or accountability with your health & fitness goals it would be an honor & privilege to be a part of your journey.