“In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.” 1Peter 5:10
I think we can all agree 30 days of isolation, limited interaction with friends & family feels a little like suffering at times. Can you imagine what Noah and his family went through on the ark? To be honest I didn’t think this experience could get any worse until it did. What I’m about to share is very personal and heartbreaking and I do not share it lightly. I’m not sharing this for attention or Pitty. I’m sharing it in hopes someone who’s reading will find healing or encouragement. Not from me but by seeking the Lord. Anyways, as many of my friends and family know I recently participated in a marathon around the end of February. About 3 days prior on Ella’s birthday I decided to take a pregnancy test & it was positive. We were all so excited and I share the news with several family members and close friends.
Everything felt completely normal. I had morning sickness and my face was breaking out like crazy. I even had a rash on my arm from all the hormones. I was so excited for our first appointment and to announce this wonderful addition to our family. The day finally arrived and we all went as a family to the appointment. They called me back for an ultrasound and I was so excited I couldn’t stop smiling. I could tell right away something wasn’t right. The ultrasound tech wasn’t showing me anything and had a very serious look on her face. I asked what was wrong and all she said was “I’ll show you what I’m seeing what I’m done.” I knew it wasn’t going to be the news I was hoping for. After what felt like an eternity she was able to show me the screen. There was a sac but no baby and no sign of hope. I then saw my OB who did another ultrasound and he confirmed that this appeared to be an anembryonic miscarriage. I was only 5 weeks so they wanted to wait another week to be sure. They tested my HGC levels and sent me home.
My husband and I were both devastated. I don’t think anyone ever thinks it will happen to them until it does. I called my mom and dad soon after and told them they were very supportive. Still, I felt hopeless. Everyday for the week leading up to my appointment I struggled to hold onto hope. I thought maybe a miracle could happen and what started out as a painful experience would turn into joy. Of course I also thought rationally and considered that all the facts led to one saddening outcome. One I wasn’t prepared for. The day finally arrived and the truth was quickly revealed. I was one of the 15% of women who experience miscarriage. The doctor explained how common this was and that I did nothing to cause it. It happened from the very beginning. The egg never attached and the sac continued to form. The only comfort I found was that their was no baby. In a weird way I hadn’t lost anything at all just the thought of it. My body still wasn’t catching up. My HCG levels were high, my face was still breaking out and I still felt sick.
I felt like my body was betraying me. My body was raging with pregnancy hormones but there was no baby to be found. It was a strange experience and one I’m still processing. It’s not something you just get over. There are so many physical reminders of the hope I had. My natural response to pain is to numb it. I wanted to continue my life as normal. Like nothing ever happened. But it did. It’s painful and pretending everything is just fine often leads to pushing my emotions down and allowing my pride to “hide” the hurt. Excessive working out, hyper focused on losing the 5lbs I’ve gained and when people ask how I’m doing simply saying “we’re all good.” The truth is I’m handling it much better than I thought. God has given me peace. I know that everything happens for a reason and He is faithful. If it’s his will to bless us with another child He will. I trust his faithfulness more than the pain or the voices of doubt. I can’t change what happened. It’s out of my control. I have a choice. I can choose pride or I can choose to worship God in-spite of it. I choose hope. This isn’t the end of our story. I choose obedience. God deserves all of the glory and praise. This experience made me all the more grateful for the children I do have. Thankful for a husband who met my every need during such a difficult time.
Maybe my response to this isn’t “normal” it’s a peace that only God can provide. It’s the assurance of salvation and hope in His power. His love will heal this wound in time. Not everything is lost. He will restore me and build me up when He see fit. In the mean time I’ll continue to rest in him, to pray & to seek his face daily. All the anger, confusion and pain is a normal part of human experience. I can’t escape it no matter how hard I try. I’m learning that owning my experiences and sharing them can set me free. Yes, I’m grieving a loss. Yes, I feel broken. Yes, I will be okay. Life will continue and I will not allow this experience to have power over me. I am free. To feel pain, to cry and to be grateful to God for giving me strength to carry on. After all his power is perfected in my weakness. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
If you are grieving, feel broken or ashamed just know you are not alone. No matter what you are going through God can use it to grow you if you will let him. If you need community or accountability especially in the areas of fitness and nutrition I would love to help you! Feel free to message me or send an email to email@example.com have a blessed day!