“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” Romans 5:3, 5-6 ESV
Hey y’all, I hope all is well! If I am being totally transparent I’ve been better. The incline did a number on me this weekend. I’m still recovering. Probably because as usual I workout a little too much. It’s always a work in progress. I have to remind myself often that perfection isn’t attainable on this side of heaven. Don’t get me wrong we all have those moments when everything goes just right & we wish we could live in it forever. I haven’t felt that way in a while. I’m learning to adjust my expectations & experience reality with an open heart. I would love to say life is just perfect since my husband came home from deployment. That learning to live together again is a breeze and our children are well behaved & civilized. But the truth is we don’t have it all together and we are learning to love each other better as we go. We are all broken & the world we live in is too.
It’s not an excuse not to try. If we don’t rise to the challenge we’ll never know what could of been and I can’t live like that. Yes, life is difficult more often than not. But it’s also a beautiful gift & an opportunity to transform our broken selves into a beautiful story told my God. I feel like He’s always editing mine. At this point I’d have snapped a few pencils in half and run out of eraser trying to fix my mess. Just keepin’ it real! Thankfully the Lord is a lot more patient & kind than I am. I’m sure if you read any of my blogs before you’ve read about my tendency to be stubborn, live in my own strength and my struggles with addiction to fitness and caffeine. That doesn’t include my insecurities about being a parent (does anyone really know if they are doing it right?) Asking for a friend. Or my struggles with anger and choosing to be kind to those I love most even in moments when I’m overwhelmed & frustrated.
Anger takes the cake lately. For the longest time I had no clue why I was angry. The emotion would just creep up on me out of no where and the smallest thing would grip me with rage. Of course I tried to fight such a negative & ungrateful attitude that anger often breeds. It’s the ugliest part of me. There aren’t many that have seen my angry side it’s not something I’m particularly proud of. Unfortunately my husband and Ella usually catch the brunt of it. Why is it always the people we love most that experience us at our worst? Anyways, today I realized I’m angry because there was nothing I could do to protect Ella from the hurt she experienced over the 9 months while her Dad was deployed. Some of the hurt was likely my own fault because I’m not the best at dealing with my emotions much less a dramatic 4 year olds. It’s a humbling realization. I don’t do well with venerability.
The thought of telling people about my pain or my problems makes me want to run. Which ironically I’ve been doing a lot of lately. Runs are so therapeutic for me. When I’m running alone I use it as a time to talk to God. I pour our all of my praise, fears, doubts and disappointment. It’s not as easy to do with people. Why? Pride that’s why. Until recently I’ve believed for the majority of my life that being venerable is weak. But what I’m realizing it that it takes courage and bravery to be honest with ourselves and with others about what we are going through. Most of us are too worries about what other people think to be honest. So we suppress our feelings and try to hid behind a “perfect” image. While on the inside we can’t figure out why we can’t experience true joy and fulfillment. We continue to turn to others, to food or to fitness to help us cope. All the while we leave God waiting on the back burner when He’s the one we need most.
God is a patient, kind and loving Heavenly Father. I certainly don’t deserve his gentle correction, his sovereign direction or his sacrificial love but He gives it abundantly. So I have hope. Even though I feel rundown, a mess of emotions and angry sometimes he is able to cover it all. His work is able to transform my mind and in turn my actions. He reminds me to be slow to angry and abounding in love. He reminds me to pour myself out without griping and complaining. He reminds me that my days are numbered and I don’t have time to waste being worries about the plans He has for me. His ways are higher than my ways. Surrendering my life to him is the best thing I can do for myself and for the ones I love. He reminds me that while I was still a sinner Jesus died for me. (Romans 5:8) What can I possibly be that angry about? I have soooooo much to be thankful for. Let me name a few:
- A husband who adores me, provides for me and puts up with my hiss fits. Someone get the man an award for that!
- BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY CHILDREN. Who drive me a little crazy & love me so hard. They are truly blessings.
- Friends & family who show up when I need them the most. What a gift from a loving God to be surrounded by people who care.
Yes, this world is rough & tough & it’s easy to get off track & focused on all of the wrong things but Jesus has overcome the world. So, what am I doing to keep my eyes on Jesus? I’m still fighting to make time to be in his word daily. To meditate on truth so that I don’t become deceived by all of the lies of the world. I’m remaining disciplined. Making one decision at a time that help me reach my goals. I’m part of several communities that keep me accountable to my goals. Church (small group), Fitness Freedom and Arbonne have kept me moving in a forward direction. I’m also seeking counseling for my nutrition and a Christian life coach who I’ll be working with after Thanksgiving. I’m really excited to share my progress as I allow God to transform my heart and in turn my life.
I hope my honesty had been and venerability had given you hope. You are not alone in the struggle. We all have difficult seasons. Don’t give up. Just keep moving forward. Progress over perfection. Here are some practical ways you can start to implement change for the better.
- Get in community. Faith, fitness & friendship based communities have been game changers for me. We all need help and it doesn’t make you weak to ask for it.
- Seek a professional. Counseling is one of the most healing things I’ve ever done for myself. If you are like me sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone who doesn’t know you that well and who you can trust not to air your dirty laundry.
- Share your story. Even if it’s with just one person. You never know what sharing your story could do for someone else who feels alone or like they are the only one going through something.
Finally, if you would like to work together towards a healthy lifestyle or you need guidance in self improvement I would love to come alongside you and help you reach your goals. It would be an honor and a privilege to serve you along your journey. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or message me on Facebook or Instagram.